How Do We Confront Others?

I’ve talked to so many women recently who are struggling with how to confront others well.  Those “others” include friends, husbands and their children.

• Women hurt by a good friend’s painful choices
• Wives frustrated with their husband’s lack of leadership
• Moms angry with their disobedient and rebellious children

We usually go one of two ways on this.  One, we come out with both barrels blasting.  We are so convinced that this wrong must be right-ed that we just verbally bring it.  They deserve it, and we must show them why.   This one seems so great in the moment, doesn’t it?

Some of us go the other way, we stuff all of our hurt or frustration down deep, and thus begin to shut down.  We don’t confront because we’re afraid of rejection or we just figure it doesn’t make a difference anyways.

I recently heard a message on the woman at the well.  John 4:1-30 tells the familiar story of Jesus at a well, talking to a Samaritan woman.  Jesus had never met the woman but ends up telling her every detail about her sordid past – multiple men, multiple marriages.  Jesus knew it all.  Jesus confronts her as she tries to hide from the truth of her current man.  Jesus brings it all out into the open.  The woman tries to explain.  Jesus sheds light on all of it.

Picture the scene for a moment.  So often we read scripture straight through and miss the “humanness” of it.  Jesus is sitting near a well, the Samaritan woman is standing by it with a bucket.  Jesus draws her into a conversation about water, both literal and living.  Jesus then presses into her apparent issues with men.  Jesus asks her to go get her husband…

What kind of awkward pause was there after those words?  

This Samaritan woman must have been daunted at His directness.  Does her heart race?  Is she ashamed?  She gives a partial answer and replies, “I don’t have a husband”.  Jesus assures her that He indeed knows her current marital status.

What was she feeling in that moment?  Vulnerable?  Shaken?  Exposed?

She blurts out that He must surely be a prophet, (her head must have been spinning, for crying out loud, she just wanted to get some water.)  As she takes all of this in, she has no idea to whom she’s speaking and shares her belief of the coming Messiah who will reveal all that Jesus is talking about.  Then Jesus, with all the authority of God and all the love of a Savior, tells her that He, in fact, is that very Messiah.  “I who speak to you am He.” (vs. 26)

The wonder.  The confusion.  The clarity that must have washed over her.  As she looked into this Man’s eyes, what was she to do with this authority and love that pierced directly through her heart?

At this point, the disciples arrive, full of their own wonder, mainly of why in the world Jesus was talking to this woman.  She leaves her bucket, probably in haste, and goes back to her town and tells everyone to “come and see this man who told me everything I ever did“.

Jesus knew EVERYTHING about her.  What a vulnerable place to be.  This man confronted her and told her everything she had ever done.  Yet… she did not walk away shamed.  She did not walk away punished or scorned.  She walked away wanting more of His love and security, with her dignity in tact.  And because of her testimony, many Samaritans of her village believed in Jesus.

Look at how Jesus confronted this woman.  

1. He confronted with love.  He loved her as only Jesus can love us.  Knowing everything, yet loving fully.
2. He confronted her in safety.  This woman’s past was openly revealed and Jesus certainly could have condemned her. Instead, His words and actions showed she was safe.  He protected her heart and allowed her to see her fault, yet wrestle through it in the security of His love.
3. She left with her dignity.  She went away knowing she had value and worth.  Which is why she was not stuck in the shame of her choices.

Here’s the question:  Do I follow Jesus’ example in confronting others?  Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to go the other way.

• As mothers, it is so easy to belittle our children, to make them feel horrible for what they’ve done.
• As wives, we can ice-out our husbands and keep them in the doghouse for hours, even days.
• As friends, we can gossip and drag our friends through the mud.

Jesus never does this to me.  Oh, He has certainly called me on issues in my life.  But He has always confronted with love and security, and I leave with my dignity afterwards.

Proverbs 15 speak so perfectly to this…“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.  The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”

I must continually check if my words bring life or crush the spirit of another.  We so often, just as the Samaritan woman, either accuse or excuse the wrong in our lives.  Jesus uncovers the wrong in our lives to diffuse its power over us, to redeem and restore those places broken and hurt, and draw us back to Himself.

Let’s be honest.  This is HARD TO DO!  Our flesh wants to lash out, and sometimes we want to just verbally pounce on people.  It’s hard to say the right thing, respond in the right frame of mind and with the right words and spirit.  But what if, instead of gathering more resolve and trying harder, maybe you just tell God you flat out can’t do it in your own strength.  

Instead of trying harder, depend on Him greater.  Ask Him to change you from the inside out.  Ask Him to pull out of you those things that want to crush another’s spirit and to refill you with a heart that offers healing and life.  And when you feel all those hot buttons going off on the inside, stop and ask the Lord to help you.

“God help me to bring life to this person.  Let me be a woman of love who offers a safe place for __________ to express themselves.  Show me how to speak in such a way that allows them to walk away with dignity.  Change my critical/angry/bitter heart.  Change me from the inside out.  God You alone are my hope and my strength.  I thank You and praise You that Your love for me is engulfing and that Your forgiveness is always there.  In Jesus Name and for His glory, Amen.