Be a Friend To Her Face. And Behind Her Back

A few years ago a good friend of mine made a terrible choice.  A choice that was completely counter to everything I knew about her.  A choice that ended up costing her much more than she ever anticipated.  And there was no one else to blame, but herself.

This friend ended up on a path that she never planned to go, but as she went, she tore through the lives of many people, hurting them deeply.  Many of us had good reason to be mad.  Many of us had reason to be accusatory.  To drag her down.  To expose to truth, to make her pay.

The temptation was high.  “She deserves it, what she did was wrong.  Other people already know it.  Let her have it.”  In my heart, however, I knew this one thing:

If I was going to be a friend to her face, I had to be a friend behind her back.

Have you ever been there, knew that someone had done something wrong and had the opportunity to tell others “all about it”?

As a gender, women are often portrayed as gossips.  Although I do not agree that we are the only ones guilty of it, women can indeed be catty.  Spiteful.  And there are those who wear it like a badge of honor, soaking in the admiration of peers for their cutting comments that can take others out with a shot.

There is a saying that goes something like this:  How people talk about others to you is probably how they talk about you to others.  This can be a sobering thought when we start to take inventory of how our friends speak of others – “does she talk about me that way?”.  Realizations like that might make us re-think our friends.  However, that’s another post for another day.  Today’s spotlight will remain solely on us.  

How do I speak of others?

• Do I look for the chance to exert my “rightness” at the expense of another?
• Do I instinctively throw others under the bus to gain approval?
• Do I try to make others laugh by making a snarky comment about another?
• Do I gleefully jump in when others have dicey information about a friend?

Here are four things to think about:

1. Be a friend to their face and behind their back.  Be someone who others can count on to be the same person they see, and the same person they hear about from others.  It’s the foundation of friendship and it’s spelled i-n-t-e-g-r-i-t-y.  And as my mama always said, if you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say anything at all!
2. If you have an issue with your friend, family member or co-worker, talk to them about it.  Not others.  My husband has a saying that “a friend will stab you in the chest, not your back”.  It means that you can count on your true friends to speak the truth to your face, even if it hurts.  Just as you would want someone to come to you with an issue, do the same for others.  Matthew 18:15 has good things to say about this.
3. Remember if Satan can separate, he has gained ground in our lives.  Satan is NOT our friend and his absolute goal is to steal our loyalty, kill our relationships, and destroy our lives, our ministries and churches (John 10:10).  If he can get us to turn on each other, he’s got the beginnings of a good destructive work in our life.  We must stand strong for the unity and love God so desperately desires for His bride. Choose your words wisely.  Do not give the enemy the ground he longs to take.  
4. We do not always have to agree or be agreeable.  We of course have a right to our thoughts and opinions.  That person may in fact be completely wrong.  And we are not called to be emotionless doormats.  However, Jesus had a lot to say about a good and right way to speak of others in the midst of our disageements.  

As women, as wives, mothers and leaders, this challenge is ever before us.  And it is a tough one!!  I have failed miserably in the past.  But the stakes are too high to stay in the sludge of my mis-spoken words.  I need God so desperately to pull me out, clean me off, fill me with His life-giving Spirit, and set my feet on the path that brings life to others.  I must be a friend to their face and behind their back.  My friendships are too valuable and rare.  My family is too precious.  I must daily submit myself to the Lord and ask Him to guard my mind and guide my heart.

Lord, may I be a woman who brings Life to others, and may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock, my Redeemer (Psalm 19:14).   

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.  Proverbs 15:4

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.  Proverbs 18:21

The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.  James 3:6

Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech.  1 Peter 3:10