Forgiving Ourselves: Why It's the Final Knot

When our boys came home from Haiti, I had no idea what I was doing.

We went from one to three overnight, and I found myself with three toddlers between the ages of 20 months and 3 years old. It was insane.

I look back on that time and there are pockets that I cannot even recall because it was so intense. On top of it all, we moved across country for my husband’s job. I found myself spinning, and failing miserably.

When I look back on it all, I wish I would have done things so much differently. There are so many resources available for adoptive parents that I didn’t know about back then. Sometimes I get a pit in my stomach when I think about it all.

• Why didn’t I do that better?
• I should have been more intentional in some areas.
• I should have let that go.
• Why didn’t I know better?

I feel so bad, feeling like I’ve certainly jacked up my kids for life.

Probably not true, but oh… MAMA GUILT is a tough one.

I can put myself into that guilt pit quickly. Through Mama Guilt and Wife Guilt and Daughter Guilt I can just go there, recalling every last thing I’ve done wrong. 

We are in our last week of our Untangled Summer study, looking at the Tangle of UNFORGIVENESS. Last time we looked at how difficult, yet necessary, it is to forgive those who have hurt us. Today, we are looking at the other side of that…how difficult, yet necessary it is to forgive ourselves.

Before we started this study, I found myself in my backyard, right around sunrise. I LOVE being up early before any noise starts up in my house, I love those quiet moments before all the movement starts in. As I was sitting and praying about how to approach this study, I began to ask the Lord to really search my heart. I asked Him to show me those areas where I was tangled up. 

If you’re like me, it doesn’t take very long to recognize how you’ve messed up. It’s like a big screen TV playing in high definition. I recalled to the Lord the pain I felt in several areas in my life, some that have stayed with me for years. Feelings of regret, that internal “wishing” that I could go back in time and make different. Make it right. 

As I sat there and began to bring all this to the Lord, He reminded me of the story of the woman caught in adultery. I referred to this story in our very first week as we talked about shame, and I want to bookend our study with it today.

In that story, found in John 8, Jesus has the most profound conversation with a woman who is so clearly guilty. Even if you’ve read the story a hundred times, take a moment to slowly read through the scene. Read it and put yourself in the middle of it all, hear the sounds and take in all that is being said…

At dawn He appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and He sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, He straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and sin no more.”

Jesus looks at this woman, she looks at Him. For a moment, imagine the eyes of the woman, how she must have felt. There must have been so many thoughts dancing through her mind…shame, fear, worthlessness, unforgiveness…anyone?

Now turn your eyes over to Jesus, standing there, in all His authority and power, looking back at her. Jesus held the key to this woman’s freedom as He asked the most poignant question: “Where are your accusers?” In that moment, Jesus extends His amazing grace and forgiveness. 

As I sat with the Lord, recalling this story, I felt the Lord ask me…”Where are your accusers, Julie? Who is holding all this pain and regret over your head?” My answer was simple: me.

Because I do that.

I offer oceans of grace to others, yet declare myself guilty.

I extend forgiveness so freely to others , but condemn myself openly.

Forgiving myself is painfully hard. But as I sat there, this incredible thought came over me…I don’t have to live there. Anymore.

As we wrap up this study let me say to you, You don’t have to live there. Anymore.

You don’t have to beat yourself up about that sin anymore.

You don’t have to berate yourself about how bad you screwed up anymore.

You don’t have to accuse yourself of doing it wrong anymore.

Because Jesus doesn’t. Period.

It was for freedom that Christ has set you free. FREE. Free from all the internal condemnation we hold over ourselves every.single.day. All the shame, fear, worthlessness and unforgiveness. Jesus stands before us, knowing it all, seeing it all, understanding what all happened and how it all went down. He stands there and says “I DON’T CONDEMN YOU”. 

What if we not only accepted His forgiveness, but we forgave ourselves?

Even as I type that, that’s kind of a ridiculous question. We hold stuff against ourselves that the God of the Universe doesn’t. THE God who created mankind, who is the King of all, the final authority in heaven and earth, the One who was with Moses, and David, and Mary and Paul. That same God who is the one true God…my word, seriously?

Hear me sweet friend on this one, as I say it to myself as well: To say that I’m going to hold myself guilty for something that the God of the Universe no longer does…honestly?

That might just wreak of pride.

Oh, I’m so writing this to myself…Holding on to my guilt and not forgiving myself says that I will now be playing the role of judge in my life and will be determining what is worthy of the forgiveness and redemption of Jesus Christ.

Oh, God help us.

Ladies, do we really believe that the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all our sin? If our answer is yes, then that changes absolutely everything. It’s that final knot to getting truly untangled from it all. Receiving His forgiveness is the foundation to everything, from our very salvation to all that we do throughout our entire life. Because if what Jesus Christ did on the cross was sufficient and we are truly forgiven, then we are free from it ALL. We are no longer held to our shame, fear, worthlessness or unforgiveness…anymore.

How I wish I could look at your sweet face and speak this over you right now.  

Girlfriend, God loves you. He loves you. He loves you. He chose you before the foundation of the world to be His very own, He sees when you move, when you sit down, when you sleep. He counts you as worthy, so worthy that He gave His only Son so that He could have a relationship with you, not just for eternity, but for right now. He knows every hair on your head and how you comb it just that way. He sees how you wash the dishes and how you like things set just that way. He loves the tone of your voice and the way your eyes shine just that way. He knows what happened and He has been with you every step of the way. He is faithful, and He has forgiven your sins and made you whiter than that favorite summer shirt. He loves you more than your mind can even begin to comprehend.

He does not condemn you.

He has forgiven you.

You. Are. FREE.

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free…If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed.” John 8:32, 36

We can forgive ourselves. We can because He is faithful, and His Word is sure that He no longer holds that stuff over us, He does not condemn us. Therefore, we can trust Him with our redemption and freedom.

You are so loved, and so held…and so forgiven. Believe Him.

Will you pray with me?

Lord God, You are the King of kings and the Lord of all. You know every single part of me. You know it all. You know all that happened, all that I did wrong. You have every right to accuse me. But You don’t. So because of that, I give it all to You, all that I’ve held onto for so long. Jesus, take the painful memories and wash them with Your redemption. Remind me in the days to come that You do not condemn me, that You have forgiven me, and therefore I can do the same. In You, I am safe and loved. You are my shield from all the accusations the enemy wants to throw at me, and Your mighty hand holds me. You are my refuge, my strength. You are my redeemer…my amazing redeemer. Thank You for Your incredible grace, for Your forgiveness, and for Your never ending love for me. In Jesus Name, Amen.  

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Join us today over on our Untangled Women Facebook Page, our virtual coffee shop, where we’ll be talking more on this topic of forgiving ourselves.

See you back here Tuesday for a few surprises and our final wrap up of our Untangled Summer Series!