That Thin Line Between Wanting Justice and Holding onto Unforgiveness

We are in the home stretch friends!

We are in our fourth and final week of our Untangled Summer Series with our friend, Carey Scott. We’ve walked through tangles of Shame, Fear, and Worthlessness. However, this last tangle is intense, and maybe the toughest of all: UNFORGIVENESS.

Lights unforgivenessjpg

What stirs up in you when you hear that word? My guess is there’s certain events or people that immediately come to mind, a hurt you felt or something you can remember so well. I certainly can, like it was yesterday.

When I was in my twenties (not at all yesterday), my dad was fighting his horrible battle with cancer. A difficult road to watch as his only daughter, as I was definitely “daddy’s girl”. I loved my father very much, and the day I found out he had cancer, the whole foundation of my life was rocked. To watch him suffer…it hurt my heart so deeply. 

In the middle of all of that mess, someone very close to my father was extremely hurtful to him. They said things that were awful. They spoke vicious words in front of others. They lied and lashed out. I was living out of state at the time, but it was all I could do not to fly in and light them up.

Eventually I ended up visiting this person’s home, but what started out as a civil conversation soon became heated and ugly. Nothing was resolved, so I left. Absolutely furious. How in the WORLD could so much cruelty come out of one person? I wanted to do just about anything to right this hideous wrong done to my father.

Note: That is not a wrong emotion. There is something so GOOD in wanting to right a wrong. That’s a God-given-good-gift. God put that in us, a fight for justice in all of us when a wrong is committed.

However, at this point, my desperation for justice caused my emotions to run out of control. I could hardly think about this person without becoming completely knotted up on the inside. My thoughts and all that anger…it all became bigger than what I could manage, and I was starting to unravel.

Where’s the line?

Where’s the line between a holy desire to right a wrong and a divisive stronghold of unforgiveness? 

At what point do we have to do the unthinkable and… forgive?

That’s a hard question to answer. Because a lot of us have been REALLY hurt. I’ve heard from so many of you, stories that are cruel and painful. Stories about words people have said. Fathers who have hurt your heart. Mothers who have been demeaning. Stories of abuse, divorce, betrayal, abandonment.

What.in.the.world. What does FORGIVENESS actually mean?

Carey and I were talking about this, and she said something so profound I asked if I could steal use it. She said that maybe to first understand what forgiveness is, we first have to look at what it isn’t.

3 Things Forgiveness is NOT:

1. Forgiveness is not justifying what someone did to you. 
“If I forgive them, it means I’m okay with what happened.” Nope. Not even a little true. Forgiveness doesn’t justify what was done, nor does it minimize your pain. You can forgive without excusing the act. 

2. Forgiveness does not mean that you forget what happened.
The memory erasing neuralyzer was awesome in Men in Black. Sometimes I think it would be great if we could just wipe out certain memories, because they cause so much pain. I told that to a counselor years ago and she gave me this look of assurance, and said with the kindest of eyes, “Memory is one of God’s greatest gifts to us.” What? But it really is true. Our memories, both good and bad, allow us to see God’s hand in it all. Remembering past hurts allows us to grow and mature, and keeps us wise (hopefully) and not allow ourselves to be put into the same situation.

3. Forgiveness is not given because the offender asks for it.
I wish it would happen this way. I wish that every time I’d forgiven someone it was because they came to me first and admitted they were such a jerk.

Them: “I know I hurt you, will you please forgive me?”
Me: “Why yes, thank you so much for asking and acknowledging the excruciating pain you caused.”

That’s not usually the way it all goes down. I get it, it would be so much better, and would justify our hurt if they’d just admit to it all. It seems like it would heal so much. But that may never (ever) happen.

So what is then forgiveness? I think it all comes down to just one thing: Grace Extended.

Up to this point, all our tangles – shame, fear and worthlessness – these all relate to receiving God’s grace. Unforgiveness is all about extending God’s grace.

Grace. It’s what sets Christianity apart from every other religion in the world. God’s unmerited love and forgiveness to an undeserving people. So much grace that He sent His one and only Son, who laid down His life for our redemption.

God asks us to forgive, because that’s what He has offered to us. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

This is so-super-great in theory. In theory, we all get that God forgave, so I should too. But we so desperately want our feelings to follow. We want to “feel” like forgiving them. However, this quote by Neil Anderson says it well:

Don’t wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving; you will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made.

Forgiveness is initially, and ultimately, an act of obedience to our God who freely offers His forgiveness to us. 

As all the events were unfolding with my dad, and all this anger was swirling around in me, I found myself at church on a Sunday morning. The message was on forgiveness. Of course. But what caught my attention was this: the act of forgiveness could not possibly be done on my own to have any staying power. It was only possible with the grace and the love of Jesus pouring over my life.

The pastor went on to say that as I stepped out in obedience and extended forgiveness, I could be free from the tangle of unforgiveness. I could be free from the chains of hurt. 

I prayed a lot that morning, because I knew God was speaking directly to me. I don’t remember exactly all I said, except for this: I poured out how much it all hurt, and I said these words: I forgive them.

In that moment, God began a supernatural work in my heart and began a journey (although difficult at times) to heal me of all that had wrapped around me, all that had tangled me up for so long. His love and grace broke through the stronghold of unforgiveness. Simply by saying those words…I forgive you.

What is it for you? What people or circumstances cause you to get tangled up in unforgiveness?

UNFORGIVENESS: NEXT STEPS

Friend, this is a deep hurt. But in order to deal with this tangle, we must take that first steps to fight for our freedom. Here’s some suggestions:

1. Name it. Be honest about what’s tangling you up in this area. Unforgiveness can become a deceitful frienemy, constantly telling you “You’re so justified! Hold onto it!” Be real about what you’re holding onto.

2. Get it out. Sometimes unforgiveness stirs around for so long that it becomes toxic. Sometimes it just needs to get outside of our own thoughts. Here are some ways:

  • Write a letter to your offender that you don’t send. In her book, Untangled, Carey opens up with a letter she wrote to the man who abused her when she was 4 years old. She didn’t send it, but she wrote out all that her heart felt. What she found through the process was that she was able to forgive him, and realized that eventually he was going to have to answer to God Himself for what he did.
  • Find a counselor you trust, and diligently work to understand the pain and where this tangle of unforgiveness came from.

3. Decide to forgive. Make the decision that freedom is better than a stronghold. Speak the words: I forgive him/her. Even if it’s simply an act of obedience, speak it. Even if they don’t ask for it, even if it’s the 490th time, speak it. As God through Christ Jesus has forgiven you, so extend that grace and forgiveness to that person.

4. Allow God’s Word to wash over you. His Word can heal your wounded heart. Take some time in these verses on forgiveness. Find one or two that stand out. Sit in them, pray them out loud to the Lord. Begin to believe the Truth of God’s word instead of the lie of the enemy.

5. Listen for more on this over at Life with Lisa Williams. Carey and I are over today with our friend, Lisa Williams, and they both have such great insight into this tangle of unforgiveness. I promise it will be worth your time! 

6. Join Us In Community. We will be on our Untangled Women Facebook Page today, our virtual coffee shop, asking questions throughout the day, encouraging you to trust God in this journey to get untangled from unforgiveness. Join us, we would love to hear from you.

Friend, let’s take this final week to loosen this final knot. Allow your heart to stay open to hear from God on this one, don’t automatically assume it’s for that other person. Let’s stand in this and be brave together. God’s grace and love is constant, and He has so much freedom to offer you…so very much. Allow Him to speak to you, as we do the hard work of allowing Him to untangle our unforgiveness.

See you back here on Thursday.

 

 

2 Comments

  1. Sarie on July 28, 2015 at 11:06 am

    I needed this! Isn’t HE so good to know just where we are for me to ‘stumble’ upon this article. Thank you! I do have one question I’m wrestling with in forgiving a friend who hurt me by continually ‘labeling’ my husband and children. I’d finally had enough of it and have avoided her all summer. I’m not even sure she knows why I’m upset with her . (I’m a peacemaker and non confrontational, so I always said nothing to defend my family) In my heart I have forgiven her because I realize that’s the type of person she is- negative about people’s weaknesses. Anyways, I’m struggling with whether I need to address her personally about why I was upset with her, when she is very blind about her critizing others, and thinks she is right about everything. Any suggestions? I’ve been praying about this but unsure what to say to her. Thank you

    • Julie Thomas on July 28, 2015 at 12:56 pm

      Sarie, thanks for being here and for your honesty. I am that same person, peacemaker, and non confrontational. Opening up to others about how they’ve hurt us is risky, but when it’s shared with kindness, the truth has an opportunity to bring healing. Other times, the relationship is just simply too toxic and boundaries need to be set up. Only you and the Lord can navigate that, you’re brave to ask and then to continue to press into His wisdom. I’ll pray for you as well, thanks so very much for being here!

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